The Toxic Leadership and Pervasive White Supremacy at Brain Arts Organization

During my time as a volunteer and board member, I was emotionally manipulated in an environment with oppressive leadership and faux-accountability.

Hello. In the past several months I have witnessed many Boston-based arts organizations pivot their missions and redistribute resources in quick response to Covid-19 and the nationwide protests against systemic racism and police brutality. This includes Brain Arts Organization, a nonprofit in which I had unresolved, emotionally damaging experiences related to problematic leadership. Because of this, I find their efforts in combating injustice ultimately lacking. I want to tell my story to provide context and call upon the organization to take accountability for the harm caused by whiteness and misuse of power within it.

Thank you for reading.

I was working with a young, talented volunteer graphic designer on an important project to showcase Brain Arts Organization. It was a budding nonprofit finally settled in a physical space right across from the Fields Corner train station in Dorchester. The designer was creating a statistics poster where we would boast our amazing volunteer force, the thousands of dollars raised by perfectly unprofessional solicitors, and the hundreds of shows we’ve presented night by night.

These were incredible feats of a small arts nonprofit not officially backed by any major institution. No endowment, just some folks with a strongly felt duty to keep the arts alive and radically accessible in Greater Boston and beyond.

The poster was fawned over by myself and other leaders, Sam Potrykus and Emma Leavitt. I was grateful that we even got the work for free. But something was off. It was an attractive composition of trendy fonts and colors. The numbers were framed by a jagged collage of our volunteers and associated artists. What was so wrong about it?

All the people in the photos were white.

It was no one’s fault for the omission, yet it’s an unsightly consequence of being a predominantly white organization. The fix was straightforward and did not feel disingenuous. We did not wholly lack meaningful representation of people of color (POC). We feature artists of color. That was the truth. But there are others.

The incident was a wake-up call for myself as well as Sam and Emma, who are the executive director and creative director, respectively, of Brain Arts Organization (Brain Arts Org). Together they are a force of goodwill and sacrifice in the arts community. They are very close and were dating at least during the time I was a volunteer. When talking about leadership, we cannot omit Dan Shea, who co-founded Boston Hassle almost ten years ago with Sam. This booking collective would become incorporated into Brain Arts Org as a nonprofit. At a certain point, they were one and the same. Under one umbrella, they booked shows, ran a culture website, hosted bi-monthly flea markets, published a monthly free newspaper, and most recently ran an art gallery called Dorchester Art Project (DAP). Prior to the acquisition of that space, the organization was nomadic and lived exclusively on the fringe. The volunteers moved around the Greater Boston area for meetings and shows were held in DIY venues like churches and social clubs.

But whether it was called The Hassle or Brain Arts Org, whether people met in Somerville or Dorchester, the organization had a leadership problem. I know because I was a leader alongside Sam, Emma, and Dan.

The pressure of over-committing

For the two years I was the volunteer and internship coordinator and later board member, I wanted to make a change in the Boston arts scene. My goals were to recruit a sustainable volunteer base, set us up for philanthropic success, get people paid for their unending work, and transform the organization into a diverse and anti-racist one. To me, that meant embedding anti-racist work into everything we did. When I joined, the organization was predominantly white, with virtually no visible leaders of color. Though I joined Brain Arts with an Arts Administration degree and experience doing diversity, equity, and inclusion work, these were nonetheless quite ambitious goals for a recent graduate with a full-time job and limited free time. Yet, I felt empowered. DIY culture is embedded in the DNA of Brain Arts Org. It’s a foundational pillar. So while these were goals that can and maybe should have been pursued by professionals, I wanted to do it myself because I believed I could. But we did also lack the funding for consultants.

I burned out quickly. But that is not to say I wasn’t supported in my efforts. Sam motivated me by recognizing my hard work, and his commitment to the cause was inspiring. I wanted to reward his hard work through mine. I did this out of love for the arts. I sacrificed time and money for this. He sacrificed his livelihood.

Eventually, the fruits of my labor withered until they stopped materializing completely. I misguidedly got the organization to invest in a customer relationship management software (standard for nonprofits to utilize) that no one used. We still had a volunteer base with an unseemly high turnover rate. Our community didn’t look much more diverse.

On a more personal level, I struggled with my identity in relation to my work. As a multiracial, white-passing, black woman, I didn’t feel necessarily tokenized, but I sensed Sam growing reliance on me solely to deal with the diversity problem at Brain Arts.

At the height of my ennui in the Spring of 2019, I had difficulty confiding in Sam about my issues. I felt I had accomplished little to nothing in my work. I was in the throes of a mysterious medical disorder (undiagnosed epilepsy). There were so many volunteers who hung around Dorchester Art Project that I didn’t even recognize. The 45-minute train rides between Fields Corner and my apartment in Brighton felt wasteful. I was defeated, but Sam couldn’t accept it.

After disclosing at a level I felt comfortable with, he responded, “If you leave this organization, I will have felt like I failed as a person.”

It suddenly became debilitating to carry all this weight.

This was the pressure Sam had applied to too many volunteers. Those who walked away told me stories of how Sam’s high expectations colored their volunteering experiences. At a certain point, it makes sense to leave just for the sake of their mental health. I always empathized and hoped for change. After nearly two years encased in this organization, I knew any more attempts to change his attitude were futile.

Rising tension and aggression

Meanwhile, there was bubbling tension between Dan and the volunteers he supervised. I was not fully connected to the Boston Hassle website, but I was familiar with some of the volunteer writers. There were complaints of aggressive and demeaning behavior from Dan, especially towards the women writers.

Not too long after learning that, I got my taste of Dan’s aggressiveness directly. Sam and I were working on a paid opportunity for our hardest working volunteers. We invited them to apply for a six-month program to develop a solution to make money for Brain Arts Org. We would give them a monthly stipend to work and present their progress. It was the project that nearly reignited my passion for my work. It was validating to achieve just one part of my goal.

The number of spots was limited, so we had to reject a few of our brightest. It was a challenging and biased process that I wish I could have done differently.

Dan was one of the people rejected, mainly on a technicality. I had believed Dan was already getting paid for the project he proposed. Dan replied to my rejection email with a passive-aggressive tone, “thanking me” for the generic message, along with an attempt to correct a misunderstanding. I was okay with taking the criticism, but the tone was unsettling. Along with these testimonies from other women, I decided I couldn’t work with him, and we, as an organization, had to take a stand against his behavior. Sam and I asked Emma to talk to Dan, and during that conversation, he said he would do better.

I believe this was a breakthrough point of the strife between Sam and Dan becoming visible to the rest of us. Dan did apologize, mentioning that his aggressive response bred from a conflict between him and Sam that I was not privy to. I felt resolved and better moving forward with Dan as a part of this organization. However, there were deeper cuts that were placing the organization on the verge of hemorrhaging. I would soon discover how painfully deep these divisions that formed between the co-founders were.

On August 10th, 2019, I attended my last routine board meeting with Brain Arts Org. The full board was there: Sam, Emma, Dan, Saritha, and Molly. We had on the agenda a discussion on formulating the vision of the organization. Instead, the meeting was diverted from the start when Sam entered the gallery distraught, claiming that his mental health was declining to the point of having panic attacks because of Dan and his “uncontrollable behavior.” He set an ultimatum: Dan has to leave the organization, or he will.

This was a move previously unimagined. Sam and Dan had spent the past fifteen years cultivating this organization. Stepping away could mean the foundation of Brain Arts Org crumbling. And it was no exaggeration; the organization was nothing without them, especially Sam.

The next two hours were a heated argument mainly between the two of them, calling each other out on their behavior and expressing their strongest feelings on who the other person is. To Sam, Dan was dangerous, culpable for bringing the organization down because of his attitude and lack of work ethic. He only cared about getting paid. He didn’t put in enough hours to deserve the title of co-director.

To Dan, Sam is not blameless. He had been ambushed, excluded from important conversations between leaders, and feels it’s unfair that Sam is not being called out for the same behavior of belittlement and aggression he was exhibiting to his volunteers. Dan didn’t want to be blamed for the lack of trying to resolve. He attempted to schedule multiple meetings with Sam to talk and even had one the night before the board meeting. Sam did not show up.

Other grievances came up, including Sam claiming he was performing Brain Arts Org work 40–50 hours a week while Dan gave significantly less to the organization. According to Dan, to his credit, he has a full-time job and a family, including two kids that he needs to take care of. He would be able to invest more of his time had he been getting paid. Ultimately this was his greatest grievance: the lack of progress being made to establish paid positions, at least for him and Sam.

Dan didn’t concede to exiting the organization, so the board adjourned with new problems to solve.

The manipulative campaign to remove Dan

I expressed this frustration on a phone call with Emma the day later. I wanted to talk about the impact the organization could create, but I had no opportunity to speak. Emma glossed it over and went straight to the point of her call, which was to tell me that she and Sam, with no input from others at the time, were trying to figure out how to oust Dan. She thanked me for bringing up the idea of potentially removing him in the first place.

According to Sam and Emma, Dan was unfit to lead this organization because his actions and behavior “weren’t aligning with the mission.” The meaning of that was vague.

When I found out that Sam and Emma were building their case to persuade the rest of the board to vote Dan out, I had to take stock of the truth I knew and how I perceived the situation. Both were incomplete visions.

I would not vote Dan out if it meant making Sam the sole director without accountability.

On August 13th, Dan asked to meet with me at Dorchester Art Project to talk one on one. He told me his side of the story. He and Sam had been making plans for the past 18 months to take over the then empty basement space under the gallery. To Dan’s surprise, the plans were suddenly scrapped without any input from him, and from that point, Sam was avoiding him. (Note: as of September 2020, Dorchester Art Project has officially expanded into the basement). He apologized for his behavior once again and said that he was willing to leave the organization. I speculated that it was not me who incepted the idea of ousting Dan, but instead Sam and Emma much earlier.

The next day, I also spoke with Sam at DAP. He was anxious about everything, including the vote. Sam said he felt this strong obligation to stay on as director because he wanted to start an LLC, for what I cannot remember. He mentioned having written a letter he wanted the rest of the board to sign, asking Dan to resign. I relayed to him a maxim I had held onto since everything had gone down. I told him, “If an organization cannot survive without its founder, it doesn’t deserve to exist.”

Sam asked me to speak more on it. I was straightforward. “I’m not going to make you sole director just because you say you should. It would help if you made a case for yourself.” I think at that point, Sam realized I was not on his side. He seemed visibly unhappy.

At a certain point in my conversations between Sam and Emma, I recalled them saying that Dan must leave to hire a black woman who they’d been in talks with to join the organization in some leadership capacity.

Sam then backtracked. “Of course we’ll have a succession plan. We want to give this org back to the community.” I wasn’t sure what that meant, and if it had anything to do with the fact that they took over an art gallery located in a predominantly POC neighborhood.

The tension behind the scenes was finally unfolding at the forefront as “org drama.” Dan took things public in a routine email thread about an upcoming meeting. He claimed he was being pushed out, that the music festival he was planning was cancelled without cause. He let everyone know that he would be attending the meeting to discuss these offenses towards him. Sam had asked me to talk him out of it, but ultimately I didn’t say anything.

He did come to the meeting but did not totally disturb the natural order. However, my worries were coming to a head about the stability of Sam and Dan’s personal and professional relationship.

Sam and Emma refused to engage with Dan publicly and instead took it to the board sans Dan.

Overwhelming hypocrisy

Preceding an emergency board meeting, Emma had shared a Google doc with us entitled, “Grievances/Evidence.” It was full of screenshots of emails from Dan and testimonies from volunteers who were hurt by Dan. There was specifically an incident where Dan was “being unnecessarily rude to a community member over a miscommunication about a rental.” They were quick to point out that the community member was a black woman. The two emails, among several others, were presented with an insignificant amount of context from my perspective.

I also noticed communications from Dan in which he pointed out that Sam was avoiding meeting with him since 2016. This self-exposure made me question the intentions of creating and presenting this doc. Sam told me that this was in response to me asking him to make a case for him being the sole director during our last conversation. This was not what I meant. I wanted to convey that he should show his strengths as a director and prove that he could lead this organization on his merit. Because of what he has done to make me and other volunteers uncomfortable in his own way, I could not vote for a sole director taking over, and I certainly could not take a side.

The emergency board meeting was conducted at a restaurant in Somerville. I had prepared to push hard against this document because I believed it to be so inadequate. There was much posturing on how Dan was bringing the organization down as Sam and Emma were trying to lift it up when in reality, Sam and Dan had slowly diverged in their goals for the organization. Sam and Emma presented this divergence as evidence that Dan’s desires and demeanor no longer aligned with the value and mission of Brain Arts Org.

Sam and Emma were visibly saddened about what they had to disclose at the start of the meeting. Emma was genuinely concerned that Sam was going to harm himself amid his distress. Sam claimed Dan was abusing him, and because of the real pain he was experiencing, he couldn’t understand why the rest of the board couldn’t support him.

At that point, I shut down. I know what it’s like to be emotionally manipulated. I had been told that my feelings don’t matter in comparison to the other person in my life. That I was a bad person for not taking care of them and their feelings. I internalized those remarks in the past to the point where I believed I failed as a person who had a different opinion from someone else who was upset or angry. I wasn’t going to do this again. Realizing that my divergent opinion would not be tolerated, I knew this was no longer about maintaining the sanctity of Brain Arts Org. It was personal. Failing to hold back tears when Sam brought up the letter again, I apologized that Sam was going through such an emotional hardship and stated that I wasn’t in the right state of mind to make any decision. I told everyone that I would email the next day and promptly exited.

Appropriating pain for their benefit

I sent an email the next morning before work, wanting to let things out and not let them distract me during the day. I apologized for shutting down, explained how reminiscent the conversation was to past experiences, and that my perspective was so limited I could hardly make an informed decision about an outcome for a conflict that had been at least four years in the making.

Molly was the first one to respond, assuring me that I did not need to apologize. Emma joined the thread next, saying it was actually okay for me to disagree, but she wasn’t sure where that left us. After that, Sam spoke up and said, “…This is the most difficult thing I’ve ever dealt with.”

I felt like I needed to reiterate my stance more clearly on the situation. It boiled down to these reasons: My words were being misinterpreted, and I wasn’t being heard; I am in no place to cast judgment on a conflict that had been progressing since before I joined the organization in 2017; and if Sam and Emma really needed my endorsement at this point, I would rather resign.

The last reason struck Emma as irresponsible. She brought it back to the mission, and how this was ultimately about the board deciding what the best way to lead this organization and advance its mission and values was. If I didn’t want to make that decision, I could not fulfill my responsibilities as a board member. In response to my feeling like I was not being heard, she conveyed the same concern about Dan. She said that she is willing to receive feedback on building a better culture within Brain Arts Org.

This was when I opened up about my experiences with Sam. Like Emma was with Dan, I was scared to dissent from Sam, and didn’t want to experience the consequences of making him upset. I admitted that my bias has ultimately kept me from promoting any indictment without acknowledging Sam’s toxic behavior as well. So I was ready to step down if it meant I didn’t have to compromise on my own values.

Emma backtracked. This actually wasn’t about my responsibility as a board member. She acknowledged my pain saying, “I take these feelings you have about expression super seriously,” and expressed how she was excited to establish a clear set of expectations and feedback loop for everyone involved in this organization. This wasn’t what I wanted to talk about because I was not interested in exposing my pain for Sam’s benefit and helping him become a better leader. I wanted the assurance that I could step back from this decision without retaliation.

I had to point out the hypocrisy of Dan being scrutinized and ousted, while Sam didn’t have to go through this same process and instead was allowed to appropriate people’s pain to improve himself without retribution.

Sam did apologize in the email thread, echoing Emma’s point that he would be willing to go through this “same evaluation process.” He also tried to bring it back to the mission. Because “Dan didn’t just “fuck up” he IS fucked up in that he expects the organization to pay him.” He escalated with alarming language, claiming “[t]he organization was and is in danger.” It suddenly wasn’t about Dan’s behavior, according to him. Rather, the only issue with Dan maintaining his leadership position was his desire to get paid getting in the way of advancing the organization’s mission. Yet, when I started volunteering, that was a central priority that we had agreed upon.

At this point, “bringing it back to the mission” didn’t mean anything to me at all. I wanted out of the nightmare of this dysfunctional organization, even though I put so much into it. I even helped rewrite the mission. (Note: the mission has been rewritten since my exit. It now reads: The mission of Brain Arts Org is to realize creative independence in systematically undervalued communities, including BIPOC, ALAANA+, LGBTQIA+, emerging and experimental artists. Through adaptive methods and hyperlocal engagement, we foster a culture where individuals create their own power and opportunities.)

I was tired of being pulled around. The conversation devolved entirely. I could not give what Sam and Emma wanted, which was the reassurance that they were the best people for the director and creative director’s jobs. Sam and Emma weren’t going to give the organization what it needed, which was healthy leadership that did not ride on them, Sam especially, to be leading it, or face its demise. The organization was broken from the inside out. The last email of the thread was from me, promising an official resignation.

Taking real accountability

It’s been a little over a year since all of this went down. I’ve let go of Sam and Emma as personal friends. Dan and I were never close, but we keep in touch occasionally. I do passively pay attention to what Boston Hassle and Brain Arts Org/Dorchester Art Project are doing. I have supported both financially, taking the position that these projects deserve to get recognition for uplifting the local arts community. At this point, they all seem to be called on incorporating the anti-oppressive effort I wanted to be a part of their operations. They have manifested differently.

From what I can see, Brain Arts Org is diversifying their associations heavily. They partner with POC-led efforts, highlight black artists, endorse rallies, and probably more. I don’t read the Boston Hassle blog much. A glance at the site shows more articles about social justice and other political issues than before. I also noticed that Dan had stepped down as editor-in-chief, and instead, a woman is leading the site.

When I share my experience with others, I always point out my biggest disappointment. No matter how many people of color Sam and Emma surround themselves with, they are ultimately unwilling to give up their organization for anyone anytime soon, let alone people of color. They’re on the board, they volunteer, perform, but ultimately white leaders make the most critical decisions. This observation felt validated when I perused the Brain Arts Org website in late September. It said that they were committed to diversifying the makeup of the org even more. With four directors leading instead of two, Brain Arts Org would form a new leadership structure, the new positions presumably held by people of color, and Emma and Sam staying in place. (Note: this message has been replaced). But this is much more than hitting a numerical goal.

Amid a nationwide racial reckoning, we must call on white leaders to examine their role in perpetuating white supremacy in the arts. It’s no coincidence that white people hold a wide majority of leadership positions in the arts and nonprofit industry. The hyper-local, grassroots scene is no exception. Real justice looks like these leaders not only stepping up but stepping back. Right now, stepping back only seems to mean “featuring more artists of color,” and not “people of color taking the lead in transforming the scene.” I’ve experienced firsthand the challenge of getting long-standing white leaders to let go of power. But without doing this, we cannot accrue meaningful change.

To Sam and Emma, and to other white leaders looking to perform revolutionary social justice work, I ask that you envision an equitable and just arts scene within which you disown your power and defer it to leaders of color. Do you think that reality is possible?